Awake

I’m having one of those “can’t sleep” kind of nights. Alex went to bed hours ago but I’m still up, wide awake. It’s a good thing tomorrow is a day off.

I got so bored tonight that I randomly watched an episode from the first season of Felicity. I don’t know how I got to searching for that show on YouTube but somehow I found it. I loved that show when it first started. I can remember watching it in my room at home while my sister watched in hers. When a commercial would come on, I’d run into her room and yell “Noel, Noel, Noel!” and she’d shout back “Ben, Ben, Ben!”. I still stand by my choice - Noel was the much better guy, even if she did end up with Ben in the end.

Watching that show tonight made me a little wistful. It reminded me of a time when I didn’t have to worry about rent and bills and work. A time when my sister and I could hang out any night of the week - because our rooms were next door to another. A time when there was still such a thing as summers off and lazy weekends.

I didn’t get carried away with that, though. It also made me weirdly anxious. Sure, I didn’t have “real life grown up worries” yet, but everything else seemed so dramatic and difficult. Thinking back to the way I interacted with other people during that time in my life makes me so glad that I don’t have to repeat those years. I’ll take the rent and bills and work worries and the working summers and busy weekends over that constant feeling of uncertainty anytime.

Feeling that way for a few seconds again as I remember the way it was 10 years ago (omg I’m old) is enough to make me appreciate the very settled way that I feel. Even though there are still things that are far from certain in my life, I have one very important thing that I am very certain about and that makes everything else easier to handle.

Now, if only he’d stop hogging the blankets so I can get comfy and finally go to sleep tonight…

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